Over the course of the last few days I have been trying to desperately sort alot of work out. From studying aboard and finding when and where I can leave to return home to England, to my final major project and research publication presentation that I must do come September since I have missed greatly a years worth of potential learning and training. I had truely considered going to Paris to Gobelins to study a two week period in animtion and cpncept but the price at nearly three thousand euros was my barrier. I happened to find an advert for the Computer training academy in Dundee/Scotland where such artists who worked on APB, some of my most favoured conceptual designs would be attending to evaulate and teach would be a marvel. The cost £395 per week excluding board, food and travel expenses (another £300 possibly).
And ConceptArt's The Art Department. a course running for six months at the price of $65 a week. Great yes. Traveling and board while still in university no.

I feel upset terribly that I want to lear. I want to learn so bad, and all these oppertunities come, but I cannot afford it. This makes me believe that I am not even good enough to show my work. These are professional people and yet I still create static and boring images full of flaw and failure. I try to aspire to the artists I truely admire; Oneone, Rae, Wolfina, Stanley lu etc. And I find I was not brought up the right way. I have attended a university which does not teach me fundamentals to help me improve and I have spent a year in a foreign school with the prospect that I would be taught and learn so much. Belgium is said to be the country of comics. True. However their teachings are pitiful and dare I say, shit. And they are. I have learnt nothing from this year (apart from anatomy, which I should've studied completely already on my own) and instead have become a pathetic coward, too afraid to show my work and be proud for what I can do. I cannot do anything. I am worthless and pathetic and the chances to change this dangle in front of my face with the tollbooth demanding green money to greese their palms that I cannot provide.

The only thing I can do is draw, and pray that I slowly improve. My laptop is not meant for photoshop or any art program that requires colour. It isn't displayed right.

I am ashamed at myself for being pathetic and having low esteem. I probably do not deserve to even try to be a concept artist, illustrator, comic artist at all. There are thousands of more talented people out there, younger than me, richer than me who can and are doing better. I consider hurting myself, slitting my wrists and throat, jumping out of the six story window here to end my pathetic life. But I can't because I don't want my parents to be even more upset of what a pathetic child this one has become. I don't know what to do....I don't know what to do anymore, I need help.

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